Sunday, April 24, 2005

My days with a wolf

Where was wisdom when I needed it?

Before I blog my hot escapades when I was on a sex tour in California for a month, let me share my worst blunder ever when it comes to men. In this way, my worst experience with this man won't keep on popping in my head and bother me when I start writing about my memorable trysts with my Johns.

I met this Assyrian guy in a weekend after-hours club in San Francisco known for drugs and good house music. Due to the influence of my friends, I was on seven pills of ecstasy from Friday night through Sunday afternoon. I spent most of the time in the club dancing, drinking, smoking cigarettes, and teasing men. Ashor, an Arab-looking man, exploited the moment and my mental state weakened by booze and drugs.

When I was very high, everything suddenly became beautiful and profound. I became friendly and touchy with strangers. He approached me first. I chatted with him. His soft voice and minimal words were soothing to my cheeks and ears. His touch was a comfort to my feverish arms fried by ecstasy pills. I felt secured in his assuring demeanor. His smile put me at ease. He was very protective of me from rough men whose eyes were visually undressing me endlessly. It must be my revealing get up screaming "fuck me." He was very giving. I felt I needed him.

I ended up taking him with me to my hotel. We did everything except anal sex. I didn't trust him yet. I blew him with a condom on and uncurled my lips when we kissed. I did not feel passionate at all. What I had in mind was paranoia even though I was a little bit horny. I wanted more of a companion to hang out with than a one-night fucker. Eventually, I found myself moving to his apartment and sleeping with him for the next five days.

He introduced me to smoking speed. I became high instantly with that shit. I began loosening myself up. I could not think independently. I could not even talk straight. My vocabulary was gone. I remained meek and silent all the time. All I wanted was to be kissed and cuddled. We had safe sex except when we kissed. I tasted blood oozing from his tongue. He bit it while on ecstasy. The pill made him grind his teeth uncontrollably. I got very scared. I incessantly asked him about his health. Fortunately, I had no cuts or scrapes on my lips, gums, and tongue.

I felt so happy being with him. He took me out and stood for me when somebody called his attention that I am a man. He introduced me to his cousin. He was very open. He did not treat me like a freak. I felt I was his woman. The first two days, he spent his own money wherever we went. I felt Ashor really liked me. He drove me around, brought me to straight clubs, and hooked me up with drugs. I fell for him. I really thought he liked me. I could pick sincerity and personality over money and looks anytime.

On my third day with him was the start of my ordeal. He told me he was broke. I instantly became a sugar mama. I paid wherever we went including food, drugs, and booze. He also started to annoy me with his petty complaints. He did not want me to be affectionate when we were in clubs even though it was dark. He hesitantly responded to my kisses. He called me dumb. He started bossing me around. He yelled at me. I did not say anything. I was high. My being passive to his tantrums and drug-induced craziness even made me feel like a dominated woman. It felt natural. I still smiled. We still had sex. I was still passive and accommodating to him.

In fairness, I like when he kissed my back wet and nibbled on my ears, cheeks, neck, and nape. When he ate my ass, I felt like I had a vagina. He sucked me good too. His cock was big, and he knew how to fuck. His kisses were wild but not passionate. His embrace was tight but calculated. He was not falling for me. I was just another piece of ass to him.

On the last day, the effect of drugs was waning in my system. I was slightly back to my senses. I questioned everything related to him. I could not believe I was with him for almost a week. I condemned myself for such a blunder. He became nasty to me too. He wanted me out. He insulted me. He called me names. He confessed that he was just playing me. He pushed me out from his car on our way to a club. He did not want to be with me anymore. I was hurt and broke. I felt so little and alone. Depression set in.

He agreed to let me stay at his place until my flight the next day. He started demanding money from me. He forced me to have sex with him, but I refused. He wanted me to clean his entire house which I did not bother to listen. I hire a housekeeper to clean my mess at my place. Why would I clean a nasty stranger's shit? He left me at his apartment and went to a club alone. I was already free from the influence of drugs. I was mad and embarrassed. What a realization!

I was with Ashor, a hairy man with facial wasting, huge wounds on his face, potbelly, and bleeding acne on his back. He looked awful. His cock had warts. I got scared. He looked like he had HIV/AIDS. It was good that I always used a condom with him even when I blew him. The guy was mean and ugly. In my normal mental state, I would not waste a glance at him. He was broke. He was boring and dumb. He had nothing to be proud of. He used me. I could not forgive him for what he did. I blamed myself too. I could not believe I spent almost a week with an ugly, dirty beast. I left San Francisco with a lesson: drugs is really bad.

Looking back, I realized everything happened because of drugs. I was longing for a sense of security. I wanted someone to be with. It was not all about sex. I needed a companion who understood and accepted me. Even a sweet Chihuahua would do that time. Unfortunately, I was with a nasty, mean, playing chimp. Ashor was my biggest mistake to date. Never again will I put myself in such a brutal, demeaning, exploitative mental game of an evil, horny man. What an awakening!


Blogger violita said...

Your writing is fabulous, and your stories eye-opening. I'm very happy to have discovered your blog!

9:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gurl! Love it, love it, love it!

12:46 PM  
Blogger M.O. Double G. said...

so happy to hear that you were able to have a moment of clarity in all that haze to see what really was going on.

hopefully, we can all learn from your experience.

happy to hear from you again and know that you are safe.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Jayel Aheram said...

Welcome back, Deja. :)

9:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wish you would stop putting yourself in these dangerous situations. You are so smart, why do you let yourself get in degrading situations? just thought that I would ask you? Your writing is so raw and real, you make me cringe ,,, that is a good thing. Glad your back and safe.

10:15 PM  
Blogger Sheridan the Bishonen Baka-sama said...

Well Darlin', it's good to see that you came out of it intact and wiser. During the 6 months i drove a cab i saw others who did not fair so well.
and Ex#1's sister is quite literally a crack ho. and in jail (again)and pregnant (this will number 7)
at least you are safe, and for the most part smart about your...clients.
Stay happy and healthly and remember the quote: "Prostitution is a combination of sex and free enterprise. Which of those two are you opposed to?"-anonymous

11:16 PM  
Blogger New Age Harlot said...

It's more than that for me. Prostitution, harlotry, whoredom, courtesanship whatever you may call it, for me is goodnes, that's what I received from it. WHY?
Because sex in my experience, is only something good, so working with sex gave me goodness and healing. But sex with clients was untouched, unpolluted by anything else. I could never go out with them, eat with them, and I've always hated drugs esp legal ones
Only having sex with clients, I saw them at their best, the high pure point of sex at which everyone is good. I'm very lucky.

3:48 AM  
Blogger New Age Harlot said...

Continuing my comment.
Whew! Your writing is so powerful, it hits my heart describing what drugs do. Glad your safe and out of that situation. Have just come across your blog and it's wonderful.

You say "due to the influence of my friends etc" but it's not only the influence of your friends that's telling you and everyone elst to take drugs (both illegal and legal and especially legal), but the influence of the whole world, especially the most mainstream part of it. And most people obey this. If you don't obey, as I don't you're on the edge, an outcast and truly high.

5:51 AM  
Anonymous Likwid said...

It took me a while, but I bactracked and read everything. Amazing. Simply Amazing.

I am extremely glad that you are safe, and nothing extremely dangerous happened to you. Being in such an inebriated state is very hazardous to your health. I know. I've been there. But, nonetheless, I'm happy you're alright.


Tell us about the good shit that happened! :-)


4:55 PM  
Blogger Living Bi said...

Fuck, this is a scary story. Not just what happened, but why it happened. It's so frightening to know how easily you can step outside yourself and your own judgment. What a fucking creep!

Anyhow, I'm really glad you're all right. I'm glad you enjoyed the rest of your trip. You're way too smart (and way too hot, btw) to spend any time with a little shit like that guy.

2:15 AM  
Blogger Richard Kat said...


it can't be that tough getting sex from a guy. we're all sex despos here :-))

1:33 AM  
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